blackbird take these broken wings and learn to fly

It has been ages since I have posted, and for that I am sorry. Not that I have any readers, but still... it is good to be consistent. I am completely shattered right now, and I am splayed out on the big blue couch ragdoll fashion. Today was spend babysitting for 4 rambunctiuos children, and the day wouldn't be complete without one major temper tantrum, someone falling out of a tree, a watergun fight, 4 whining voices, three iguanas, two fights, and a partridge and a pear tree. Kidding. About the partridge. Everything else really did happen. BRUTAL.

Not much progress has been made in the thesis department. Same old story.

You will be proud to hear that I have become a spinning fanatic, and I have been going to classes at the gym almost every day. I feel pretty darn good about that.

Astrid moved in, and I am adjusting to yet another new roommate, but so far so good.

Good things about today:

1. ate healthy food

2. slept late

3. made money babysitting

4. no rain!

bad things:

1. temper tantrums and whining from kids

2. no progress on thesis

3 slept late

things i like :

puppies

orchids

smoothies

spinning

color of my nails right now:

hot pink

See Sandra run

I am sitting in the marine policy hallway waiting for a professor to show up. No one else is here. All of the doors are closed. Not one single person to help me, or invite me into their office. No professors in sight, no students, no rastafarian maintenance man who always hits on me. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I am pretty miffed. Down right cross in fact. I stole a pen from a signup sheet that was taped to someone's doorway. HA! Revenge. I hope it was their favorite pen.

M.G. is leaving on Thursday for the Caymans. That is in 6 days. 6 more days with M.G. and then we are done. Done for good. No more roommates, no more waking up together and making breakfast, no more beach days when we should be studying, no more binge drinking at clubs, no more italian dinner dates, no more late night sushi, or visiting the dog pack. I will miss you M.G.! Yes I will.

Today my committee chair told me she won't be in the country for the next three weeks , and that we can skype and e-mail to communicate. SKYPE? I don't want to skype. This is stupid. I don't skype my professors, I meet with them int heir offices, during their office hours because that is what professors do. They meet with students in their offices at SCHOOL.

WHY?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I'm just so frustrated.

MG, and frenchy are going out to party party party.

All anyone ever does around this place is eat and drink and listen to techno music and run around in their matching underwear sets.

I am really fat. I need to go to the gym. My friend Kalah went to Madagascar to do research (LUCKY) and came back 18 pounds skinnier. Maybe I need to go hang out with the lemurs overseas. She called herself an anorexic alcoholic like it was a bad thing. It is pretty much my dream. KIDDING!

confession: I don't brush my teeth every day. Isn't that gross?

Therapy

It's kind of therapeutic to have this blog. Even though nobody reads it. Actually, especially because no one reads it.

The weekend was so nice.

Gainesville with JSW

Sweet vegetarian food at the TOP

Bald eagle sighting

Miles of woods walking

Snuggling

Lots of snuggling

I wish I had the energy to actually express what goes on in my life right now, although I don't suppose that it is all that fascinating. I also wish that I had the power to be more positive and happy. MG and Frenchy are all about being happy ALL the time, and only living each day to have fun. I wish that I could have that same attitude, but I worry so much about school, and money, and how fat I am, and what people think about me, and getting to the bank before it closes, and wether I should buy organic or not at the grocery store. I might be crazy. I might just be a little bit crazy.

p.s. MG and Frenchy are cooking and listening to spanish music. They are making a delicious french meal, and I already ate a crappy salad. Damn.

p.p.s. Frenchy ONLY wears V-neck t-shirts. Weird.

p.p.p.s. I dissected a squid today, but more on that later.

p.p.p.p.s. I love JSW. (I would carve his name and mine in a heart on a tree trunk like a seventh grader if given the chance).

Rainy Monday

It is grey and foggy in SOBE today. Great motivational studying weather. I don't feel the desire to kick off my shoes and run to the beach. I am perfectly happy to sit here and work while I peek out the window at the alley and examine the tiny patch of sky that is visible from the apartment. Caramel coffee is in the french press, and there is leftover sushi waiting for me in the fridge. On second thought, that dragon roll might have to wait til lunch. Sushi for breakfast isn't really my thing. I wonder if they eat it in Japan?

The weekend was good. J.W. came to Miami. It is so nice to be hugged. It is so nice to be held and cuddled and to hold hands when walking down the street. We went to Fairchild gardens, and saw the latest art installation by Yayoi Kusama. She created 3 whimsical pieces for the gardens. You can check it out here: http://www.fairchildgarden.org/art-at-fairchild/Yayoi-Kusama-/. We haven't been to Fairchild in ages so it was nice to wander around the garden looking at the flowers and touching the art work even though we weren't supposed to. I had a free pass to get in from working at the nature center, and I had left it in my bag. When I pulled it out to give to the ticket lady it had a piece of mint gum stuck on the back. I apologized but she made a huge production of pulling the gum off and glaring at me. Of course she is the one that looked dumb since she was touching my old chewed on gum.

After the gardens we went to Pinecrest fruit stand, home of the best smoothies known to man. All of the ingredients are as fresh as can be, and they also make all sorts of frozen yogurt shakes, and homemade lunch goodies that you can get out of the refrigerator like tuna wraps, waldorf chicken salad, homemade empanadas, and rice and beans. Oh how I LOVE Pinecrest fruit stand. We ate our strawberry smoothies at Merrie Christmas park in the gables beneath the biggest banyan trees that you have ever seen, and then went on to Merrick park to have some beers and listen to the reggae band playing on the green. I treated JW to a nice italian birthday dinner at VIlaggio, and then we went home and walked around SOBE. It was a perfect day. I really love my life when he is here. He makes everything prettier and nicer. Sunday was reserved for snuggling in bed and crosswords and a lazy lunch followed by more cuddling. We were truly lazy and it felt soooo good.

So here I am, a little sad that JW is back in Gainesville on to his next rotation, and I am here. Watching the rain pour down the sides of the building across the alley, and sipping my caramel coffee.

over and out,

Sand

I will finish

Today I accomplished a lot. Here is my mantra: I will finish my masters. I will finish my masters. I will finish my masters. I am too tired right now to write about my day, but that is ok because it wasn't very interesting anyway. Basically I sat on the couch and made spreadsheets. AWESOME! More on that another time.

over and out,

Sandra

do i want to be or not?

My friend, Tracy got engaged over the weekend. I am happy for her. I am sooooooooo jealous. I want to be engaged. I want a pretty ring on my finger, I want to know where I am going. Do I follow JW (he is my boyfriend) out of medical school and to wherever in the whole wide world his residency will lead him? Will he even ask me to? Does he want me to? Does he think about being engaged?

Do I want to be engaged? Could I really just leave my beautiful city on the water for this boy? Can I give up evening on Lincoln Road, and techno music festivals, and ceviche, and cortaditos, and spanglish, and high heels, and the ocean, the beautiful warm ocean? Can I give up driving over the rickenbacker causeway to work, and lazy afternoons on 15th st. beach, or Fridays watching the sunset from the beach at school, or petting all the dogs at the restaurants, and always always always eating outside no matter what? Here's the thing:

I DON'T KNOW. I just don't know.

And here is where I will admit something. I want to be married. I want a family. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. I just don't know if I am ready for all of that now, but I feel like I am close. Very close. What if JW doesn't ask me. What if it all falls through. What if I can not bend and move away when he needs me to? What if cuban coffee, and guava pastelitos, and dog beach, pull me back?

On another note, I am starting to like Frenchy. He might just be OK. I might just be getting kind of used to him lounging on the blue couch with us, and I might just be a little attached. You see how fast I forgive and forget?

What is a taco?

Oh Monday. Monday Monday. How I love thee. While most people loathe Monday, I embrace and love the beginning of the week. Why you ask? Simple: TACO NIGHT. Monday is half priced taco night at sandbar in the Grove, and you can bet your bottom dollar that that is where you will find me nearly each and every Monday. The chopped up crispy cabbage, the gently grilled mahi, the amazing secret sauce, and a squeeze of fresh lime. Nothing beats it and an ice cold blue moon on a Monday to start the week off happy. And I actually made progress on my thesis today. I really worked hard on my data set. Hopefully I can get more done tomorrow.

Now there was one little snag in my day. For the past 2 weeks my lovely and wonderful roommate, M.G. has been traveling. I had the entire house to myself, and I had no qualms about parading around in my underwear, cooking in only a big t-shirt, or leaving my shoes (all of them) in the middle of the living room floor. However, before she came back I gave everything a good scrub and vacuumed and dusted etc. etc. I was happy to have her back, but after being in the house for about 1 minute flat there was a knock at the door, and who should appear but "the boy" whom from here out I shall refer to as "frenchy" . Well Frenchy marched into the door and before I even knew what was happening they had disappeared into their layer to "catch up." Well it seems Frenchy may be a semi permanent fixture in my life, so I may as well get used to it, but the guy doesn't know what a taco is and he smokes in the house, and he steals M.G. away from me when she only has a month left in the states as it is. So now I have to listen to giggling beneath the techno music slipping under the door, and smell the cigarette smoke in the living room, and retreat into my room so that I don't cramp anyone's style.

I am sure that Frenchy is a perfectly nice guy, and I do have to admit he has great taste in wine, and he can cook a mean ratatouile, but I sure do wish I had my M.G. to myself, and that she could have joined me at taco night, because man oh man were those grilled fish tacos delightful and I will miss her oh so much next year. But, there is always next Monday night, and sex can only beat out sandbar so many times before one feels the magnetic pull of mexican food, and cold beer, and a good friend.

Friday Friday

Dear Sandra (me),

It is time to stop messing around.

Get to work.

Go to the gym.

Be brilliant.

Work on your thesis.

Write a sentence.

Just one sentence.

Go to the library.

Do research.

A lot of research.

Go to the gym.

Do yoga.

Just one class.

Just try it.

Please?

You must start this Monday.

This is your last weekend of shenanigans and procrastination.

MONDAY.

WORK or else....

K thanks.

Ready?

GO!

xo

over and out,

Sandra

Queen of Sabotage

I bought a leather jacket today. It was expensive. Too expensive. Way too expensive. And now, I think it is too small. I hate taking stuff back to the store. I really hate it. I feel awkward and embarrassed and foolish for buying the wrong thing. Also, it will be the third time that I have been in the store in 3 days. How dumb is that? Know what is even dumber? The fact that I was out shopping for a leather jacket instead of working on my thesis. I am the queen of sabotage. I may just be the ruin of myself.

Kiss me (even though I'm not Irish)

Today is St. Patrick's Day, and everyone is prancing about in their token green bits and bobs threatening to pinch those who forgot and didn't wear a stitch of green (that's me). In order to console myself I went shopping just to get one thing, and ended up buying way too much. I will probably be dying of guilt tomorrow and return half of it, and another day will be wasted in the pursuit of the perfect wardrobe instead of on my thesis. I am not meaning to sound so pathetic and annoying, but this grad school stuff really has me down. I might not ever get through it. My worst fear is that at the end of the semester, I will still have nothing to show for myself, and I will be hopelessly lost, and all of my professors will be fed up with me, no longer finding my neurosis cute or charming, and they will kick me to the curb, and everyone at school will know that I am a complete and total failure. I get so stressed out thinking about it that I stop breathing.

On a completely unrelated note, Juliet and Charlotte are home. They are the two little girls who live in the apartment above mine, and I can only say that they are so exceedingly loud that they give me at least one headache each day, and sometimes I am reduced to standing on my bed or the sofa and pounding the ceiling with a broomstick until I get an equally loud and angry series of stomps back from their mother, and then a torrent of french curse words followed by an entire day of irate stomping and chair screeching and other unpleasantness that could only be created by an entire herd of water buffalo or elephants on the African savanna, or just maybe 3 very petite and angry french people. Oooooh how I loathe them all. So, I can hear Juliet and Charlotte upstairs, probably training for cirque de soleil or something because there is more thumping than usual. How can I possibly work on my thesis with them thumping and bumping and carrying on the way they are? Obviously I can't so I will just have to make dinner, and watch television for a few hours, and then maybe maybe maybe I might be able to do some work.

over and out,

Sandra

Novice blogger

As a card carrying member of the so called generation X, I feel that I ought to know more about this e-world, and blogging etc. but I know almost nothing. Lately I have felt the need for an outlet for my thoughts and hand written journals seem to fail me as I get tired of writing after only a few minutes. Typing however, I could do that for ages. So here it goes.... my first foray into the blogging world.

Right now, I am at loose ends. My masters thesis is looming over my head, and my future seems totally unclear. The whole business of deciding what to do with my life, where to go, where to apply, who to talk to, what to write about is completely overwhelming to me. I am not particularly adept at dealing with stress, so what do I do? Stay curled up in my bed until 12 pm of course, read books that have nothing to do with my degree, try to do the washington post crossword puzzle without cheating, try on all of my roommates high heels and look at myself in the mirror, practice walking in them, paint my nails, clean my room. ANYTHING except work on the endless excel files, or research for my thesis. God forbid I should actually make progress towards graduating. If I graduate what then? A mad hunt for a job where I will sit behind a desk feeling unfulfilled and sad at the fact that life didn't turn out the way I imagined it would? No thanks. So for now, I will watch the 7 o'clock news (which is just a repeat of the 6 pm news) and blog. Because at least when I am done writing there will be something on the page, and I wont feel so worthless even if it is a selfish pursuit, and has nothing to do with my degree or school or anything that I should be working on.

Over and out,

Sandra